What is it about Thongs?

Never let anyone tell you that being in Florida is all about retirement and laying on the beach.

Sometimes it can be downright ugly.

As an example, let me share with you this morning’s experience. I woke in my usual "thank god I’m still here" mood and decided that today I would be extraordinarily lazy and go to the beach for a good (made-by-someone-else) breakfast. After all, this is Florida, why shouldn’t I go to the beach for fresh orange juice, eggs, coffee, and sunshine on a Sunday morning? Solitude in the Sun is good for the soul.

I’ll tell you why. I forgot about our northern neighbors. You know? The ones that are my constant companions from either side of me in the RV park. The Canadians? Not my neighbors specifically, but their cousins, brothers, sisters, whatever. . .they’re freaking everywhere down here this time of year.

Even zipping along the sidewalk on my Segway I have to be careful. Apparently these folks have no concept of a sidewalk, or bike lanes in the frozen tundra to the North. Or at least that’s my impression. I had to dodge cars at every intersection, and I gave up being in the bike lane as too stressful (I have enough gray hair thank you very much!) after one too many close calls. I didn’t survive getting my butt blown up in Iraq to be run down by some crazed northern visitor with limited vision, no ability to comprehend street signs, and is incapable of understanding that the painted bike in the middle of two skinny lanes on the road is not an invitation or license to mow down people using said lane on two wheels. Ugh!

But, I survived the trip, and as an added bonus I didn’t see any of my brothers or sisters in blue trolling the broad walk of Hollywood Beach this AM looking for a half crazed speed demon on a Segway. I’ll take that as an even balance to that point.

I found my magical little beach side breakfast nook exactly where I remembered it. And, the service and food was going along fine.

And then, the tourists started showing up.

Now, let me be clear about a major topic for us (now, part time) residents. We love tourists. If it wasn’t for them coming to Florida there would be fewer jobs, little growth, and we’d all be paying State income tax. Not to mention that in the wintertime the Lotto jackpots go through the ceiling due to all those extra tickets being sold. So, I kind of like the whole tourist thing as a whole. Throw in the occasional New Jersey and New York accent or the European and African dialects, plus the lilt of the Islands, and it adds a nice ambiance to wherever you happen to be.

But what is it about our far northern neighbors? I get the whole "I speak French" thing. Yup, don’t like it much, and don’t get me started on the whole "I have 6 months of paid vacation" thing. What I don’t understand, what I truly do not comprehend, is why on gods green earth they insist on wearing thongs and g-strings to the beach? I mean, people are trying to eat here!

After enjoying my simple, but satisfying, breakfast this morning, I was enjoying my coffee when an "experienced" (I don’t want to call them "elderly" since I’m getting up there myself) couple came walking up the beach with the intent to sit at the next table in the café. The woman was wearing a nice sundress, the obligatory sandal’s, sunglasses and hat. She was fine. Her companion however, was wearing white socks, sandals, a hat, and a thong. No shirt. (Where was that handy  no shoes, no shirt, no service sign when I need it?). Now, this experienced gentleman is certainly of an age where he can choose his own manner of dress. But come on, really? Can someone tell me that a man who looks to be in his 70-80’s really needs to be in a thong? Let’s be clear here. I really don’t want to see a saggy butt in a thong. Thank you.

Now, if this were South Beach, and the thong was filled with say, Brazilian, German, French, Latin, or Italian female flesh would I be so upset? Ahhhh, no, probably not. But that’s another story for another time. Now that I think about it, I see a Segway trip to South Beach in my future.

They have breakfast down there too.

Sitting, annoyed with the whole thing, started me thinking of solutions. And that brings me back to my original point. Others impacted what started as another good day. I certainly can’t yell or scream at everyone who tries to run me down on the Seqway (My little parrot squeaker horn doesn’t seen to have the dynamic impact I had hoped) – (and I’m not allowed to throw ball bearings in the path of traffic when they annoy me!), and I equally have to keep my sense of polite conversation and observations to myself while in a public establishment. But darn it, if we have city ordinances to regulate silly stuff like Seqway’s can’t we at least come up with a creative age-appropriate ban on thongs and g-string bikinis? Men should just be banned from wearing the damn things in public at all. I know you’ll never see my saggy butt in one, but then, I spend almost all my time on the clothing optional beach – another story in and of itself.

Excuse me, I digress.

Women on the other hand should be allowed the comfort that such an item provides. Within decent bounds of course, (albeit politically incorrect to say so) saggy butts on women look no better that on men. Something where equal rights seems to be truly equal.

I’d be willing to volunteer my time to help monitor the compliance part of any such ordinance. I mean, as a native, don’t I have sort of an obligation to make the beaches friendly? I know it would take some dedication and time to observe all the women who come and go on the beach in any given day, but we all have to sacrifice for our Government (or isn’t that the theme at present?), and for the overall good of all our citizens.

All I would need is sun block (to generously offer a helping hand to those in need), a pair of binoculars (to make sure I keep a close eye on potential violators), and a whistle (something in a different tone then the life guards, but useful to draw others attention to a potentially well utilized thong) to make our visitors feel welcome and appreciated. Yeah, I’d be willing to do that.

I feel much better now having expressed myself on this important topic. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to turn around a negative experience and seek a solution that I think many of us would find acceptable.

And besides, my breakfast was pretty awesome up to that point. Retirement is not all fun and games after all, I constantly have to find ways to keep myself busy and mentally challenged.